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Are You Uneasy About Conflict in Group Gatherings?

22 October 2024

Barbara read Personal Change That Sticks: A Tool for Lasting Self-Improvement and was reminded of how important it is to control her own thoughts rather than worrying about possible disagreements and hurt feelings.

Tags: barbara read, communication, healthcare, mindfulness

I did a search for Charles Dwyer, PhD, a faculty member of the Wharton School at the University of Pennsylvania, just to see how he was doing. He used to teach the day before I did many years ago in the Physician in Management program provided by the American College of Physician Executives, now the American Association of Physician Leaders, where I was the Vice President of Career Development for 22 years.

I found an article by Dwyer that was a summary of one of his great lessons—how to change what you think and feel.

I’d like to change how anxious I sometimes feel when larger groups of people get together. I’m an Introvert and prefer one-on-one time with people or small groups where I feel confident there will be harmony and very little conflict. In the article, Dwyer describes a detailed process for how I might help myself be less nervous and more comfortable when things get complicated.

Here are the steps he suggests to analyze the situation:

Think of an event that triggers you and write a sentence about how you react. Do you get instantly angry and blow up? Do you get quiet and can’t think of what to say?

My activating event:
Sitting around a table with a group, someone will say something that I know someone else doesn’t like. I get quiet and feel anxious. Sometimes I feel an all over body flush of adrenaline and a tightening in my chest.

Answer the following questions: 

1. Is my behavior / belief based on fact? Not really. It is my opinion. I don’t have proof that someone is irritated or has had their feelings hurt.
2. Does my behavior / belief help me protect my life and health? No
3. Does my behavior / belief help me achieve my goals now and in the future? No. It does not make me feel peaceful, and it makes me overly concerned about when conflict will happen again.
4. Does my behavior / belief help me avoid unwanted conflict? Sort of because I don’t talk about it and usually I’m looking for ways to escape the situation.
5. Does my behavior / belief help me feel the way I want to? No. I’m miserable the whole time. Sometimes I’m good at navigating conflict, but that doesn’t mean I want to do it, and I almost always need to prepare for difficult conversations.

Dwyer says, “Most of our mental functioning takes place below consciousness and we tend to rationalize and justify negative thoughts, feelings, and actions. These questions bring the negative programs up to consciousness so that we can override them and become more of the person we consciously choose to be.”

Next imagine what you would like to see happen:
I’d like cheerful conversation with a great deal of taking turns talking and listening to one another. Politics can come up, but I don’t want to stay on the topic for too long. I‘ll gladly listen to controversial topics one on one, but I don’t want incendiary topics in a group that is supposed to be fun. I also want to remind myself that I am not causing whatever is happening nor am I responsible for fixing it. How others feel is not my business.

After you have pictured what you wish would happen, answer the five questions for your new behavior. “Any beliefs / behaviors in the new program can only be maintained if you can answer yes to at least three of the five questions.” I answered yes to four of them with my new plan for thinking about the situation.

Dwyer says the next step if you want to change what you think and feel is to practice this exercise for 5-10 minutes three times a day for three weeks: Picture the activating event that you don’t like. Take some deep breaths to help calm yourself. (I’ll also use my affirmations, and I know many of our clients appreciate the Instant Stress Reducing Manuever.) Then picture what you want to see and how you want to think.

I know I’m trying to control other people with my mind which is impossible, but if I visualize a happier gathering, I might more easily control my own reaction. Even if there is conflict, I’ll feel better before we get together. My not worrying about what’s going on during the event may shift the energy in the room and create better results. But whatever happens I’ll be calmer. If I can’t get a handle on my emotions, I’ll take a bathroom break.

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