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Making Difficult Conversations More Manageable
10 November 2015
Allison read How to Make Sure You’re Heard in a Difficult Conversation by Amy Gallo on HBR.org and appreciated her practical tips on what to do when a conversation gets heated.
Tags: allison read, amy gallo, communication, conflict, thoughtful candor
I spend a lot of time helping people figure out how to navigate difficult conversations. Rather than continuing to think about how frustrating the person is or venting about the situation to a friend, I try to get people to put their energy into figuring out what they need to say, how to say it constructively, how to stay calm, and ultimately how to find the courage to have the conversation.
I suggest writing out the answers to these questions and then practicing delivering the difficult feedback with another person or even the mirror:
- What do I wish I could say if I didn’t have to worry about saying it right?
- What am I afraid the person will say or do?
- Is it worth trying to give this feedback? What will happen if I give it? What will happen if I don’t give it? If I don’t give the feedback, how will I let it go?
- How can I give this feedback constructively?
- What else do I need to remember about our relationship as I approach this conversation?
People will then often ask me, “But what do I do if the person gets angry or just refuses to hear my point of view?” I think Amy Gallo answers this question as well (and as succinctly) as I’ve ever seen in her recent Harvard Business Review article, How to Make Sure You’re Heard in a Difficult Conversation. Her insights will be useful as you prepare to give negative feedback, but I believe her real gift is in helping people figure out what to do when things get especially tough in the midst of the dialogue. Gallo gives detailed examples about how to:
- Own your perspective
- Pay attention to your words
- Watch your body language
- Change the tenor of the conversation
The anxiety people have about what will happen in the midst of a difficult conversation often keeps them from having the conversation in the first place. I think Gallo’s article can help more of us find our courage. She even provides several sentences you can memorize and use in almost any sticky situation.
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