What We're Reading Now

Practicing Self-Compassion

6 October 2015

Allison read Dr. Kristin Neff’s web site about self-compassion as well as several of her articles and watched her TEDx talk. Dr. Neff's research was just the reminder she needed about talking to herself like a good friend rather than an angry taskmaster.

Tags: allison read, allison watched, balance, change, self-compassion, ted

When a friend or family member tells you about a failure or some other kind of suffering, I imagine you respond with kindness and compassion. I’m guessing you’re supportive, ask how you can help, and even offer constructive brainstorming about how to solve the problem. And if you can’t think of anything helpful to say, I bet you just say whatever kind thing you can think of in the moment. Maybe you even give the person a hug.

I doubt you say, “Well, I always knew you were a lazy loser who would never amount to much. It’s a good thing you’ve finally realized you’re hopeless and there’s no chance you’ll ever find success or happiness in this lifetime.” And yet, when you are dealing with your own failures and suffering, I bet your inner dialogue sounds this negative or even worse.

I know how important self-compassion is. I talk about it regularly with my clients and it has shown up in many past blog posts, but somehow in the last two months I’ve been talking more negatively to myself than I realized. It wasn’t until I saw some self-compassion research quoted in another article that I had a bit of wakeup call about the conversations I was having with myself. Fortunately, that article sent me back to a trusted resource, Dr. Kristin Neff. In the last week, I’ve immersed myself in her web site, articles, and TEDx Talk.

If the idea of talking to yourself like you would a friend sounds a little too touchy feely, self-indulgent, or even kind of silly, I think you’ll appreciate what Neff has to say as well as the growing body of research that self-compassion is not just a kinder way to live, but also a more effective way to achieve your goals. I suggest you start with her article, The 5 Myths of Self-Compassion: What Keeps Us from Being Kinder to Ourselves?,” or her 2013 TEDx Talk. The last two sentences of that article sum up why I think you might want to read it in the first place. "Therapists have known for a long time that being kind to ourselves isn’t—as is too often believed—a selfish luxury, but the exercise of a gift that makes us happier. Now, finally, science is proving the point."

Next, I suggest you wander through her web site, take her self-compassion test, explore the research, and pick one of the eight exercises for learning self-compassion skills.

My inner dialogue in the last week has been much kinder, and I have noticed that not only do I feel better about some stuff that was making me sad and feel like a failure, I’m also being more disciplined about some of the changes I need to make if I’m going to achieve some important goals. I hope Neff’s work is just as helpful to you.

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