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Minimize Conflict in All Your Relationships
29 July 2014
Allison read 5 Tips for Avoiding Conflict in Your Relationship on the Psychology Today blog and appreciated Anne M. Gordon's practical advice for changing the dynamics of arguments (romantic or otherwise).
Tags: allison read, communication, conflict
It turns out that our tendency to be “naïve realists” impacts all of our interactions with others. As Anne M. Gordon explains in her recent blog post, “We believe that we see social interactions as they truly are, and that other people see them the same way that we do. However, one of the most enduring contributions of social psychology is the understanding that two people can interpret the same social interaction in very different ways, based on their own personal knowledge and experiences (Asch, 1952).”
As you read Gordon’s description of a fight she had with her husband about a pillowcase, you’ll learn they fell into this naïve realist trap. She thought he’d played a practical joke. He knew it was an accident. But before they slowed down to talk about what had happened and attempted to get a shared understanding of the situation, things escalated, and all of sudden it was full-fledged argument with bruised feelings all around.
Too often we allow our assumptions, values, and interpretation of the “truth” about what’s really going on for another person lead us to conclusions that impact how we handle conflict. In her very short post, Gordon explains why you should try to do these five things the next time you find yourself frustrated with someone:
- Refrain from making a snap judgment.
- Look for disconfirming information.
- Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
- Don’t try to figure out who’s right.
- Ask your partner what he or she is thinking.
While Gordon’s advice is geared toward minimizing conflict with your significant other, she concludes with how this approach can improve things with your boss, a new acquaintance, or any other relationship that matters to you. You still may need to find a way to deliver some difficult feedback and ask the other person to make changes that are important to you, but I think Gordon’s approach will help you to get in the right frame of mind so that you can be your best, calm self as you approach the conversation. It’s also very possible you’ll learn that what you thought the other person meant to do wasn’t at all his or her intention and that you have a misunderstanding to clear up rather than a significant conflict to manage.
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