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Take a Break from Empathy
29 August 2017
Barbara watched Martha Beck’s video, How to Not Hurt When Someone You Love is Hurting, and was reminded that being too empathic can be unhelpful.
Tags: balance, barbara read, barbara watched, empathy, martha beck
If your friends, loved ones, or even strangers who are facing tragedy are hurting and you have absorbed so much of their pain that you are not useful to them or to yourself, it’s time to find a way to get some rest. Even writing that statement is hard for me when I think of one of my family members who is struggling with an illness, my daughter's friend who is having surgery today, everyone I know in Charlottesville, and those I don't know in Houston. I fear you'll think I'm selfish, privileged, and uncaring.
But Martha Beck’s short video reminds me that I cannot be good for others if I'm so overwhelmed by feeling that I get physically ill and am unable to communicate well or take appropriate action. Beck recommends three steps that can help you regain your equilibrium when you've overloaded on empathy.
- The first thing to do is say, “This is happening, but it is not happening to me. It’s not my turn. My turn will come soon enough, but it is not my turn now.” It may be that the only way you can continue to help and love is to put a temporary mental barrier between you and the person who is suffering. Go for a walk or take a nap. You can help again when you're recharged.
- Realize you can’t feel badly enough to make someone else feel good. And if you feel badly enough to become dysfunctional, you are not helping that person or yourself.
- If you hurt someone’s feelings, have apologized, and tried to make things right but they are still mad, then say to yourself, “You are just going to have to feel that way. There is nothing more I can do.” Stop trying to fix it and stay calm. If you take that position they may even get better without your doing anything. Your continuing to try to fix a situation often only makes it worse. Be patient.
It's important to learn to be empathetic. But, I've had to learn to take a break from empathy because I absorb others' feelings too much. I am not helpful to them and often am mentally meddling in their business even if I am quiet. Trying to be calm and untroubled with someone who is troubled can be a most needed gift to you and them.
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