What We're Reading Now

Feedback Doesn’t Have To Be Scary

8 October 2024

Janie read Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen and was encouraged by the authors’ spot-on insights about why hearing feedback can feel so scary and their suggestions for getting better at receiving it.

Tags: communication, janie read

I try to see feedback as an opportunity for growth and improvement, but more often than not, my immediate reaction is to be defensive. I’m not proud of this and it’s something I’m constantly working to improve, so I was intrigued when I saw Thanks for the Feedback: The Science and Art of Receiving Feedback Well by Douglas Stone and Sheila Heen. The title caught my eye, but it was the cover of the book that made me want to pick it up and start reading. Under the title, there is an image of a Post-it Note with the words, “Even when it is off base, unfair, poorly delivered, and frankly, you’re not in the mood.” Reading this made me chuckle and that made me want to pick up the book and read more.

Stone and Heen suggest that “there is always a gap between the self we think we present and the way others see us.” This is usually the result of a misalignment between our internal thoughts and feelings and our intentions. This discrepancy can create a blind spot where we think we are acting a certain way, but others see our response differently than we do. One of my favorite references from the book was the term “leaky face.” Stone and Heen shared, “Who can see your face? Everyone. Who can’t see your face? You. We convey a tremendous amount of information through our facial expressions. But our own face is a blind spot.” This is the origin of the expression “leaky face.”

The phrase really resonated with me because I’ve learned that often when I think I am responding in a neutral way, my face conveys something different than what I intend. When I first read the words leaky face, I immediately visualized a cartoon image of a leaking face that made me laugh. Anytime I can laugh about something it’s much easier for me to hear it without feeling defensive and I’m hopeful that remembering this image will help me be more aware of the expressions on my own face in the future.

leaky faces are even referenced in our “words on the wall”

Stone and Heen emphasize that to really see ourselves and our blind spots, and to help us be aware of our leaky face we need to ask ourselves, “How am I getting in my own way?” It’s also important to find “honest mirrors” or people who we trust to help us see ourselves as we really are in the moment, so we can make changes.

The next time you find yourself on the receiving end of feedback that might be hard to hear, I hope you remember the leaky face and ask yourself how you might be getting in your own way.

If you’re looking for additional skill building, I’m delighted to share that Allison Partners will be delivering a half-day workshop on The Art of Being a Great Boss on Tuesday, October 22nd at Hillsdale Conference Center. The workshop will be led by Allison and feedback is one of many topics that will be covered. I’d love to see you there and you can find more information and register here.

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